Gaara's Interview
by singingrain
Summary: A video interview with Gaara goes terribly wrong...
1. Preview, Introduction, Prelude, Whatever

**This is just going to be a little short. I've already written a bit more, but I decided to give people a teeny preview to it.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.**

My public-access cable show needed something to liven it up. I decided a new, mysterious guest was exactly what I needed, so I chose to have Gaara on the show. Bad idea.

So here I was, sitting at a circular desk in front of the video camera my friend was holding up, with Garra sitting across from me. He was now in the process of testing his theory to see if people really could burst into flames from his deathly glares. I was sweating bullets, wondering if someone had turned on the heater. I coughed slightly, bringing my hand up to my mouth, and shifting my eyes from side to side. I continued to shift my eyes, attempting to look anywhere at all besides at the dark youth who was seated at the same table. I grabbed some papers on my desk, shuffling and knocking them against the table like the amateur news reporter I was pretending to be.

He continued glaring, and I let out a very audible sigh of relief as my cameraman gave me the signal to start the show.

"Hi everybody! Welcome to the show. We have a very special guest with us here tonight. Gaara, from Naruto! We-"

I was cut off by a very angry Gaara, who had stood up quickly, knocking over his chair, and now had his eyes narrowed at me.

"I am not from Naruto."

I stared blankly at the red-haired ninja.

"What?"

"I am not from Naruto," he repeated, as if talking to a particularly dense child. Somehow, I managed to comprehend him a little.

"Ok… so tell us where you're from, then."

And thus, it began.

**If I get a least two reviews to this, I'll continue. Two reviews may not seem like much, but believe me, it is. If I continue this, it will be funny, even though this isn't so far.**

**So, please review!**


	2. The Main Event

**Here it is, ****Gaara's**** Interview. I typed it up quick; I had no idea that so many people would like it!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own ****Naruto**

The lights went out in the room, all except for one that was directly over Gaara's head, making him look even more scary, if that was even at all possible. Some poetry club style music came on and Gaara began his tale.

"I'm from a place that's grand,

I was born in the land of sand.

And when I was small, killing was my amusement,

Much to everyone's confusement.

I was very, very, spoiled,

But when they tried to kill me, their plan was foiled.

When it came to push and shove,

There was no one to love.

So I decided then to love only me,

And to kill everyone that I happened to see."

I sat in stunned silence as the lights came back on. Gaara was a poet? What the hell? When I recovered from the initial shock, I looked down at my paper to see the next question.

"Hopefully this one goes better," I mumbled under my breath.

I opened my mouth to ask the question, but was cut off by an angry Gaara. He was sitting now, but was glaring, and it looked as if he might tackle me any second.

"Did you not like my poetry?" He asked in a dangerously quiet tone.

"Uh, n-no, I loved it," I stammered. I swear, if looks could kill, I would be dead, buried, and off to heaven or hell by now.

Crossing his arms over his chest, he nodded his head slightly. "Good," he stated, and he allowed his eyelids to droop a little, as if bored to death by me.

"Well, how about another question, Gaara?"

He opened his eyes a bit, and proceeded to glower at me. I took this as agreement in "Gaara language," and asked him the query on my list.

"Do you have siblings? Any brothers or sisters?"

This time he stood up slowly, twirling his chair around with his hand, then standing on it. The lights went out again, all for the one over the sand-master's head.

_I really need to get those lights fixed, _I thought, as the eyeliner wearing boy fell rock star position, complete with one hand up in the air and his head sagging down on his shoulders. Some music began that sounded strangely like Green Day, and I couldn't help but notice the resemblance between the lead singer and the panda-man in front of me. Wait a second… more music? Where was the music coming from?

All thoughts of a creepy old hobo with a beat up boombox disappeared from my mind as Gaara began to sing.

Yes, sing.

"Kankuro is my brother, I really have no other.

This is the story of his cat suit, all the rest is moot.

One day I saw a cat, he was really fat.

I was fascinated by this creature, and looked upon its features.

To the machine I went, which I had on lent.

I held up my creation, and everyone looked in admirati-"

"Whatever! That thing was hideous!"

I frantically looked around, trying to find the owner of the voice. Gaara didn't seem confused, however, and simply shouted back.

"SHUT UP, TEMARI!"

A girl walked in, looking peeved. She flopped down in a chair, seemingly tired.

"You should have seen this thing," she said to me. "A tissue box could've done better."

At this, Gaara gave her his oh-so-famous icy glare, and she let out a small "eep!" and brought her knees to her chest, clutching them tightly, as if trying to make herself as small as possible.

"Ok, just tell me the rest of the story. And please, no hedgehogs riding on giant potatoes, or fish parachuting out of planes."

The sand sibs sat there and blinked at me. After a while, Temari spoke up.

"What's a plane…?"

"Never mind. Just tell me the story," I repeated, starting to get frustrated.

"Well, to sum it up, and to make Gaara stop singing, the problem was he had made it too big for himself, but it was about Kankuro's size, so he forced him to wear it," Temari said quickly, and in one breath.

"Poor Kankuro… but wait, why hasn't he taken it off by now?"

"He did," Temari began, and then glanced over at her red headed brother. He picked up the story with a malicious smile on his face.

"After he took the first one off, I brought it to a tailor to be fitted better, and had him put it on again."

"But why didn't he just refuse to put it back on?" I asked.

"I threatened to rip his internal organs out through his throat."

My eyes widened considerably.

"O-ok. Is that why he didn't take it off again?"

Gaara bounded up onto the table, jabbing a finger upwards.

"NO! For I, being the genius I am, had super-glued the inside!" He declared, and then commenced to laugh manically. Dramatic music started playing, and I looked out the window to find the creepy hobo I had been suspecting earlier.

"We don't need sound effects!" I screamed, then slammed the window shut. Kankuro had chosen this moment to walk in the door, appearing from who knows where, and heard me yelling.

"No sound effects?" His lower lip began to quiver, and his eyes produced tears at a rapid pace, thoroughly messing up the make-up that covered his face.

"Noooooooo!" He cried, and ran from the room.

"Huh?" Was my intelligent reply after witnessing that disturbing scene.

"Oh, don't worry about it, he's probably on his period," Temari tried to comfort me.

"Wha- never mind. I have a feeling I reeeeeally don't want to know," I concluded.

"Anyway, back to the interview. What about you sister, here, Temari?"

Gaara gave a slight grunt at my inquiry, then spoke.

"She likes fans."

…

………….

"That's it?"

"Yes."

"No weird story of why she likes fans?"

"Well, actually, it's because I used to make her fan me. It's hot in the desert."

At this, Temari got offended, muttering something about "wasn't supposed to tell anyone," and stomped out of the room. Apparently she went outside because she was afraid of the wrath of the almighty Gaara, because once outside, we heard her use some pretty colorful language about him.

He pretended to not be able to hear it, and I sat there imagining Gaara lounging on a Roman-inspired couch, with Kankuro feeding him grapes, and Temari fanning him softly with one of those long fans with the feathers.

I shook my head vigorously, trying to get the disturbing image out of my mind.

"What are you, a dog now?" Gaara asked of my actions. I glanced up with a dazed look in my eyes, surprised to see him still there.

With a signal from my cameraman, I did a full-body sigh of relief.

"Sorry, folks, but that's all the time we have. See you next time," I wrapped up the show. "Hopefully…" I added, eyeing the sand ninja warily.

**Yes, I know that was extremely weird.**

**And random.**

**Please tell me your thoughts!**

Updated: 5/9/07


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